Revert It!!!!

Yes, I reverted all of my posts to drafts so no-one could see them. Yes, the are highly personal and include someone else. Maybe my exposure of this once again is a would let other believe I am not being sensitive. RANT - - - I wholeheartedly in the potential of each person to change the world around them yet many do not, not because we are incapable, but because we are not our whole selves. I always found that being truly you, with all the flaws and wounds open to show the world, gives you a freedom that few can ever experience. It is the tragedy that we all face, which gives us our collective humanity. Yet, it is the mask which we wear to show the world we are impenetrable, that comes to define our outward appearance and our inner voice. Yes, I've stumbled but I've lived and loved and will continue to do so. This is my life, although a small portion, that has come to define me.

come to greet me, once again

Burns...
My memories strangle this possibility
The floors...we made together
My fingers twitch
She returns to my mind...God I hate this
Let it be what it is - - - Clarity does not exist

Its the putrid smell of high octane
my soul trembles deep inside
I don't want to remember it again

Its here kicking at my door
I stayed - it was my choice
Now live with it

I want to run...something
Meaning...somewhere
Here?

Car Crash Craziness

It’s extremely difficult to take a picture while looking down in a neck brace, in case you were wondering.

Impact in T-5 4 3 2… and finally he notices but its too late. Glancing up at the rear-view, I see the streak of white lights racing towards impending disaster. The sound of sheet metal and rigid plastic, piercing each other into a masterpiece forced by chaos, scream across the dark sky. My car gathers this unwelcomed gift of kinetic energy and is forced forward into the car in front of me, where I come to rest.

I start shaking, not out of fear, but some unconscious bodily response. I hear voices, and I see a woman emerge from the car in front of me holding her head. I look around and see fragments, of what used to by my car, laid to rest on the road. I sit motionless and take in what is happening. Five things become evident

-I was already stopped

-I was hit from behind at high speed

-My neck is in pain and I have a headache

-I speak no Japanese.

-My cell phone battery is nearly dead

The fourth and fifth are especially relevant because, being involved in a serious accident, I have absolutely no linguistic ability to explain myself less rudimentary bodily gestures and the assistance of a Japanese/English speaker.

A crowd started to gather around me, made up of police, ambulance technicians and what I assume to be insurance adjusters with some type of measuring tool. Although I’m obviously a foreigner and have already commenced my hopeless stare of non-communication they fire off full speed Japanese sentences at me and continue to do so for about 5 minutes.

At this point, someone had a friend who could speak English so we started conversing via cell phone. I confirmed that I was in pain and would go to the hospital. Although I know my neck obviously wasn't broken, it was very stiff and I had some persistent pain on the back of my head/neck.

The story is fairly standard from there with the customary CT scan for potential head/neck injuries with the recommendation of rest and pain killers for one week but I cannot understate the importance of either knowing some Japanese or having a Japanese friend/girlfriend who is willing to help.

PS: The pain is continuing to subside since the crash and I know I will will be fine.

Reflection: For those of you who watch my Ninja Sensei videos and see my shenanigans, you are probably surprised by the fact that I have not sustained any injury of note from any dangerous/extreme activity. Yet, it is this incident, which was completely and totally out of my control, that resulted in injury.

My point, as it has always been, do not wait to push yourself and try something you are afraid of or may seem challenging to you because it's the seemingly safe road that is filled with hazards.

Edit: I was just told the the actual damage cost is almost $10,000 and the car is worth only $2500. That apparently shows how bad the accident actually was. Craziness

Naked in San Fransisco

No its not Photoshop - I wanted to release this Facebook picture with a accompanying blog post talking about this decision in some detail.

Yes, I decided to walk naked in San Fransisco and sit in the infamous Jane Warner Plaza.

This post was partly motivated by the fact that SF is now moving to ban public nakedness according to a Reuters article on the topic.

So the back story starts about 6 months ago while in San Fransisco following a conference I participated in. While casually strolling down the street, I noticed a man walking towards the financial district, Naked! I was awestruck, as was everyone in his vicinity yet their surprise took the form of some fairly loud comments such as: "you have nothing to be proud of" and "look at his small di*k." Yet, the 30 something man continued to walk as though he didn't hear it or didn't care.

This experienced reinforced two things in my mind: the first being the value we place as a society on physical appearance or attributes and the second emanating from the shame we feel of our own bodies.

To understand this for myself, I look to my experience teaching Media Literacy which basically consists of critically analyzing the media messages that surround us while realizing that through these catchy words and phrases they are trying to instill values, wants, and desires within our minds. I've come to realize the power of those messages and the effect it has on our societal consciousness as well as its use for judging others. Take this Superbowl commercial for example

What values are being encouraged?

How should we value women based on this commercial?

What body types/races are the women in this commercial?

It is also important to take into account that the average Superbowl commercial will cost almost 3.5 million according to ESPN and have an estimated 90 million viewers. These commercials represent the most well thought out and targeted marketing attempts in history, yet they often focus on objectification of women, money, or alcohol (bud commercials).

What effect does this have on how we view our body and the bodies of others. If these commercials focused on the fact that everybody is different and not everyone falls into the picture perfect physique or is particularly well endowed, what would be the effect?

Question to ponder: If a woman was walking naked in the Castro would she be yelled at and mocked for having a inadequate body?

Contrary to popular belief, the male pecker is not 10-11 inches and cannot wrap around your waist or hang two inches from the floor. According to Dr David Delvin and well established studies "Most authorities now say that the mean length of the erect male organ is between 5.1 inches and 5.9 inches and while the non-erect penis usually measures between 3-4 inches (minus one inch for the San Fransisco wind chill)." So, to come full circle, I would pretty much bet my life on the fact that everyone laughing at the mans "small" pecker are not more well endowed then he, yet they feel the need to vocally attest to the inadequacy of his "package," and it was apparently something worth laughing at for some (what a confidence booster).

Being a member of this culture and and having grown up with this "shame" of my body implanted in my own brain, I thought to myself "I really want to do this, but I'm to ashamed." I simply looked on as he strode past me and down the street, turning every head in his vicinity.

In regard to the proposed ban, I understand that there are two sides. There are people who are genuinely distributed by the men and sometimes women collecting on a corner in the Castro district and creating a public spectacle. Maybe the ban is the best move, I'm not sure, but one thing I am sure of is that having enough confidence in your body to take off your clothes in front of other people and being willing to bear it all including your perceived flaws and inadequacies, takes courage. I experienced it when I walked out of the public restroom naked in SF, it will definitely be an experience I will remember for the rest of my life and I find it regrettable that people may not be able to do it in the future.

I would like to live society where we accept the difference of others and don't feel the need to put others down, especially for their god given bodies. Maybe then, I would have never felt the need to take of my clothes and prove to myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Edit: I just wanted to add part of an interesting conversation that started with a facebook comment about this blog post.

A Facebook comment about my blog post - "Most people look better with clothes on. I tend to think there is as much an evolutionary reason that certain body types arouse our interest as there is a societal reason for our perceptions. Advertisers just use these psychological triggers to sell products. Societal pressures may push us towards healthy body types. It is how one goes about achieving an attractive physique that questions should be raised. It is a healthy nutritious diet and lots of physical activity that developes a beautiful body. But, we live in a sedentary world full of junk food. So we have many obsticals to overcome. And, we can survive quite well without the afore mentioned habits. In fact it seems that competition pushes us to forgo them. Thus the recent trend toward childhod obesety and a crippled and increasingly expensive health care system."

My response to the Facebook comment - "I understand where you are coming from Norman and I cannot deny the benefits of healthy eating and exercise as well as the consequences of a sedentary life yet one must also consider the fact that our perceptions about body types have changed with both our progression forward in history as noted in 16th century art ("Venus of Urbino" by Titian) as well as our changing views about diet and exercise. In regards to evolutionary reason for looking fondly upon a woman that would arouse interest (large breasts, small waist, and tanned skin), I'm not sure these characteristics would, in any way, offer a causal link to healthy offspring. Swinging the pendulum to the side of the common man, almost any male including the old and out of shape could produce offspring and maintain his bloodline, therefore fulfilling his evolutionary need to reproduce. So, what would be the evolutionary reason for our society to look favorable upon a man who follows a rigorous workout regimen and has a healthy diet? Chasing down wild game, or fighting off potential threats to his family? Advertising has also shifted immensely, My initial analysis came from my personal perspective as a man who takes great care of his body with daily exercise and a healthy diet, yet I was still ashamed of my body and feared what others would say about it and I doubt that I am alone in my perspective. It was gained, in no small part to what was reinforced through the media. Also, to delve a little deeper into the media base of this conversation, it is now evident that advertisers have used, and continue to use heavily Photoshopped images of women to sell produces. This image, having no basis in reality, continues to be perpetuated as what should "arouse our interest." If you are interested, I collected a movie clip featuring a dove marketing campaign (Dove Video) taking the viewer through the process of full Photoshop modification of a models face, moving away from just fixing blemishes and emerging into modification of eye placement and neck length. Traits that would be impossible to emulate. Moving away from the discussion of the evolutionary development of body type selection and more towards the fact that we favor seeing some with clothes on and others without clothes on in a pubic space; when the body serves a mere purpose of arousal or disgust, I believe it is a result of a societal reinforcement, including the influence of the media outlets, that brings us to tell someone that their body in inadequate for public viewing."

His second response - "I am a little ashamed of my naked body too; even though I try to take care of it. There is naked bike ride in Philly that I thought about doing; but then I just asked myself why? I couldn't come up with a good reason so I haven't done it. On the evolutionary aspect I tend to think that some features do indicate a healthy body which could in turn produce healthy offspring. I don't have scientific evidence to back this; but I am fairly sure it's out there. I am also fairly sure that they are just theories and not conclusive. Evolution seems to be a somewhat meandering path. It favors those traits which allow a species to adapt to its environment. And our environment is constantly changing. Also, evolution is a very slow process for us. The rest of this comes down to asthetics which are quite subjective. I am a photographer and know what is done with photoshop. I think that soon we will not have any actual true photographic memories of anything... I tend to think at some point in life we have to except who we are even if it is less than the media portrays. I tend to think most advertising, TV and movies are a joke and a waste of time which I try avoid. It always amazes me that people like to read People magazine. We are a nation obsessed with stars. Or we are have too much time on our hands. I don't blame the media becuase we have freedom of choice. I also respectfully disagree with you on the issue that societal pressure dictates what I find attractive. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." One thing that hasn't been discussed is the issue of hygiene and I think that that is huge."

A third response from someone else - "I agree that we should not feel ashamed of our nude bodies, but I'm not convinced that your being naked in public will make others feel less ashamed of their own bodies. I know that if I get married, I will not want to compare my wife's body with other women's bodies. Likewise, I don't want my wife to compare my naked body to other men's. Seeing other people naked inevitably invites ranking and comparison, whether we want to or not (I'm also anti-pornography). I'm glad to live in a city where if a man shows his genitalia to a random woman on the street, he can get arrested and charged as a sexual offender"

My response to both responders -  
Norman- "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," yet the rose colored glasses we wear are surely not of our own making. Personal preference is something which cannot be denied yet we must also take into account that it is a collective spectrum of preference that we can choose from within the confines of. To illustrate this, if you were to conduct a study where a number of single "average" American males were instructed to choose a appealing women from group of 5, one of which would be a Karan tribal women from the Red Karen people (famous for neck stretching), I could almost guarantee she would continue to be the outlier in every selection. I’m sure the reverse would be true for a group of Karan tribal men. Why is this significant? It becomes evident that you choose what you know, or what you’ve come to find acceptable. If you lived in America there are a plethora of influences guiding your choice of what you find appealing from clothes to body type. Although, you free to choose from within that limited selection or “box,” we should also recognize that we are making those choices within the larger box of cultural preference and In this case, The “American” cultural preference, which has its downsides.

Dan - My initial impetus for walking naked was solely for the purposes of waging a war with my internal feelings of bodily shame. When I think about the impact it could have on others I look back to the original Rueters article, which I linked to in my blog. The article addresses some points on both sides but what struck me was a paragraph about who decided to take off their clothes, “The nude protesters, including one using a cane and another in a wheelchair, walked with DiEdoardo two blocks to the federal courthouse.” This diverse group of protestors did not only include chiseled men and attractive women, it included people of all races and shapes from the handicapped to the obese, people who would not normally feel confident in their physical appearance. This motivates me to realize that my body is not something to be ashamed of and I believe that this will also motivate others. PS: I'm glad to have visited a city where a person, regardless of physical attributes, can display their naked body.  

IS IT REAL?

"Jennifer wants to be friends on Facebook." This sentence greeted me as I logged onto my email, immediately followed by a queasy feeling in my stomach and a loss of appetite.

I don't think she will ever understand how painful this is. I cant be her friend. I loved her, I cant just friend her and watch her life progress without being a part of it.

If this were the matrix I would would beg Morpheus to stick the probe in the back in my head and erase my memory of our relationship. Its not that I genuinely don't still have strong feelings for her and think about her on a daily basis, its that I've become imprisoned by it. Just like when she told me of the rape a few months ago, I subsequently lost 10 pounds from my already thin frame and feel into a depression. I cant control her, and at times, she cant control herself. I cannot be apart of that, for my own mental sanity.

Why do I LOVE???????

Yet, words do no justice. This process is unfair.

Does this really have to last this long?

Does the pain really have to persist?

My heart yearns for her but my mind knows the reality of her lifestyle and the havoc it wrecked on my world.

What is wrong with me?

Can I not just make a decision and mentally and emotionally stick by it?

Why do these bouts of regret and longing slowly tear away at my emotional stability.

Jennifer, please......................CHANGE

*Edit: I can see why people turn to alcohol or drugs. Dealing with sadness and depression is a really tough and overwhelming process.

Inevitable

Im some ways I've been dreading this time, yet knowing it was inevitable.


The vibrations were met with confused recondition as a made a mental check of the location of my phone during class. I knew it was not a students phone because it was on my left near the floor where my bag was placed. "But why did it vibrate?" I thought to myself, "I turned off email notifications."

After my last class, I casually started to clean up my belongings and looked at my Iphone. I had a notification on Skype.

I must admit, I really didn't think it would be her but it was and a small (7) was next her name signaling the number of times she tried to call. Being suspicious, I immediately checked the time difference from Los Angeles to Japan which is 16 hours and calculated that it was about 3:00am when she called me, she was drunk, I'm absolutely sure of it and here it how it panned out...

At the bar with her friends, she was now fairly intoxicated, yet she started to feel a creeping depression settling in. It came to life in the form of a single tear struggling to form past her mascara, tearing its way from her eye and down her smooth milky skin onto the harsh wood surface of the bar table. Looking down at her phone, she saw her way out. She dialed once, twice, and a third time only to be meet with a dial tone.  In desperation she continued to dial, only after 4 more attempts did she realize, I would not (or could not) answer.

---I would like to think I'm genuinely a optimistic person and believe in the potential of others to change but I don't think...actually I know she will not change. I can no longer invest my future in this fleeting possibility, nor should I. My mother once said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time."

----I also realize that my heart still yearns for her and I'm sure it will for some time and I accept that. This process has been a interesting one, I must admit.

The Dichotomy of Human Nature

I've been told part of the healing process after a relationship is recognizing the lessons that have been learned in the process.

One things that eludes me in this process is the ability to categorize Jennifer. We often take for granted the ability to quickly categorize others, often because of its subconscious nature. Such as in the case where I would categorize Jennifer as a mere Alcoholic and justify my decision to move away from her as a respite from a person who is desperately addicted to a substance and is bound for destruction. The problem lies within the confines of that label becasue although I could blame most of the catastrophic situations on Alcohol, can I also blame the love we shared on Alcohol? The answer is I cannot, which is why these posts seem to be manic depressant.

One the one hand I ruefully pulled away from her entrancing love and genuinely wish that were not the case but on opposing hand I know what it is like to shake, nearly to the point of paralysis, out of fear for the safety of another who occasionally lacks regards for their own well being. I am too familiar with the pain in my chest, yet I am also familiar with her entrancing presence and feelings of pure unhindered love when I can look into her eyes and see truth in her gaze.

We were two genuine people who met and shared a love which cannot be replaced. Let this love not sit on a shelf and rot, nor let us use it as shackles to imprison us.

The lesson I am learning summarizes the complex essence of human nature which squirms away from classification and moves towards simple existence.

"Life is about walking the tightrope between unfiltered passion and absolute logical thought."